There are several books out there that claim to offer valuable insights on improving your negotiating skills. But Chris Voss’ “Never Split the Difference” is one of a kind because it comes from someone who has real negotiating experience under life-threatening conditions.

What I really like about this book is that Voss -a former FBI hostage negotiator and a prominent professor of negotiating skills- not only offers real, actionable advice that can improve readers’ negotiation skills in any situation, but also provides real-life examples from his long career. As he says, “kidnappers are just businessmen trying to get the best price”.

Introduction: Be ready to negotiate

To be ready to negotiate, you need to have the right mentality around it. The first step is to overcome any aversion to negotiating you might have. It doesn’t matter if you like it or not, you just need to accept that this is how the world works. It’s not about tricking your counterpart into accepting your terms; it’s about finding a mutually beneficial solution. If you are not willing to ask what you want but the other person is, guess what; you will never get what you want.

So, without further ado, here are 19 ways mentioned in “Never Split the Difference” that you can use to step up your negotiation skills in 20 minutes:

1. Emotional intelligence

Old-school academics and professionals approached negotiation as a procedure between rational actors. But beliefs have changed.

You see, social sciences have proven that humans are anything but rational. In fact, they are often irrational, emotional, and impulsive, falling prey to all kinds of cognitive biases.

Two of those biases are:

• Framing effect: People respond differently to the same thing depending on how it’s framed. Voss gives the example of adding value in terms of percentages; if you ask people whether they want to move from 90% to 100% or from 45% to 55%, they will usually choose the former, although both options represent 10% increases.
• Loss aversion: People have a stronger preference for avoiding losses than acquiring equivalent gains. This means that they tend to feel the pain of losses more acutely than they enjoy the pleasure of gains.

So, before entering into any negotiation, you need to understand human behavior.

Here comes emotional intelligence, which is the foundation of effective negotiations. Emotional intelligence will help you understand the emotions and motivations of the person you’re negotiating with and eventually help you reach a mutually beneficial agreement.

To increase your emotional intelligence:

• Pay attention to nonverbal cues
• Be empathetic
• Be aware of your own emotions

2. Active listening

In most negotiations, people don’t want to hear. They want to be heard. So, give them what they want.

Don’t be like everyone else. Don’t approach negotiations with the sole purpose of satisfying your ego and confirming your beliefs.

Let me describe a situation:

You enter into a negotiation or an argument. You start talking in an attempt to prove you are right. Then the other person does the same, and while he is talking, you are thinking about your arguments again. Then the other person also does the same, and a never-ending “state of schizophrenia” is created, as Chris Voss says.

Sounds familiar? That’s how most people behave. That’s why active listening is so critical.

Next time you start a negotiation, don’t try to prioritize your arguments. Instead, make it your purpose to actually listen to what your counterpart is saying.

That’s how you make them feel safe enough to trust you with their true thoughts while creating for them an illusion of control. Then you are ready to move on to the next step.

3. Mirroring

Mirroring is when you imitate what your counterpart is doing. It’s usually an unconscious behavior, and it can be applied, among others, to speech patterns, vocabulary, body language, and tone of voice. When it happens, it usually indicates that people are bonding.

When it comes to negotiation, Chris Voss suggests that you focus on the verbal part and nothing else. The technique that FBI negotiators use is dead simple:

You repeat the last few words the other person has said in a neutral and empathetic tone.

Customer service example:

Customer: “I’m really frustrated that my package hasn’t arrived yet. I was supposed to receive it three days ago.”

Customer service representative: “You’re frustrated that your package hasn’t arrived yet, and you were supposed to receive it three days ago?”

Customer: “Yes, I need it for a project I’m working on, and it’s causing me a lot of stress.”

Customer service representative: “I understand that you need your package for a project, and it’s causing you a lot of stress. Let me see what I can do to help.”

As you see, the customer service representative mirrors the customer’s words to show empathy and understanding. This can help de-escalate the situation and create a more positive interaction.

When you first try mirroring, you might feel awkward, but after you get used to it, you will see how powerful it is for establishing rapport, buying yourself time, and keeping people talking.

4. Use the right tone of voice

During negotiations, people tend to focus too much on what they will say instead of how they will say it. But the way you communicate something can have the biggest influence on how others deal with you and how they react to what you say.

That’s why, as Chris Voss says in his book, the most powerful tool in any verbal communication is your voice. Different tones of voice can certainly lead to different outcomes in every negotiation, even if your words stay the same.

Voss identifies three tones of voice that someone can use during a negotiation:

1. The late-night FM DJ voice

This is when you use your voice in a “downward” way, showing that you have everything covered. You talk slowly and clearly, showing that you are in control of the situation without saying it. The best use of this tone is when you don’t want to offer an alternative or make your counterpart continue discussing a specific term during a negotiation. You don’t get offensive. You are always friendly and convey safety.

2. The positive/playful voice

That’s the tone of voice that you should usually use, as Voss suggests. It indicates that you are an easy-going person and open to discussion. When you use this voice, show that you are relaxed and smile often. Smiling can be useful since it makes others want to continue collaborating with you.

3. The direct/assertive voice

This should be used only in special circumstances, and it’s not suggested in most negotiations. When you use this tone of voice, you show dominance, which will lead others into an aggressive or passive-aggressive state, making a possible agreement extremely difficult.

5. Tactical empathy

The worst thing that you can do in any negotiation, as Chris Voss points out, is to ignore what the other person is saying. It’s a recipe for failure.

The opposite of that is called “tactical empathy”: the ability to understand not only the feelings and mindset of your counterpart but also what lies behind them. In that way, you are more likely to increase your influence and eventually find a mutually beneficial solution.

Tactical empathy is connected to a process called “neural resonance”, which proves that by closely observing other people’s face, body language, and tone of voice, your brain aligns with theirs. In that way, you may even anticipate what they are going to say before they say it.

6. Labeling

Tactical empathy works wonders in combination with another technique called “labeling”. This is when you validate someone’s emotion by acknowledging it, as Voss points out.

It works like this:

1. You detect the other person’s feelings or mood.
2. You highlight it by labeling it using the phrase “it seems/sounds/looks like…”
3. You keep silent.

Examples:

• “It looks like you are stressed today.”
• “It seems like you don’t want to do that.”
• “It sounds like a tricky situation.”

As you see, we don’t use “I” statements because we want it to sound as neutral as it gets without making it personal.

The purpose of labeling is to make others reveal themselves and reply with something different than a simple “yes” or “no”. It can also help you get closer to them or make a conversation less tense.

7. List all the negative things that someone can say about you

This is a trick that many defense lawyers use. In their opening statement, they mention every single thing that their client is accused of, presenting all the weaknesses that their case might have. They call that “taking the sting out”, or “accusation audit”, as Chris Voss calls it.

What you actually do is list the worst things that the other person can say about you and mention them first. In this way, you take the other person by surprise because they don’t expect you to make that move, especially early on. Since you have the courage to admit those things, you become more credible in their eyes, and you dispel any negative dynamics that could form later on.

What I would add, though, is to make this list strategically. For instance, if you have an interview about a new job that requires the X skill, don’t mention that you aren’t really good at this skill. That’s self-sabotage. Instead, mention other things that are not closely related to the role (even exaggerate about them), and then bring the negotiation into your favor as you get closer to your goal.

8. Get them to say “No”

We are wired to hear “Yes” when we want something. We don’t like being rejected. “No” is usually too harsh to handle.

That’s often the tactic that many sales professionals use, too. They ask you obvious questions, to which you are almost obliged to say “Yes”, and then they hit you with the sales pitch, since they were told that after several “Yes”, people will feel like contradicting themselves if they refuse your offer.

But as Chris Voss says, being pushed to say “Yes” makes people defensive. “Yes” might be the final goal of a negotiation, but that doesn’t mean you have to go after it straight from the beginning.

On the other hand, “No” is nothing more than a way for you to understand your counterpart. “No” makes the other person feel in control, secure, and safe. Among others, it can mean:

• “You make me uncomfortable.”
• “I want to talk with someone else.”
• “I am not ready to agree with you.”
• “I don’t really understand what you are saying.”

That’s why forcing it early on or when things have stalled is an excellent way to keep the negotiation going and drive it in the direction you want, after you understand the obstacles.

It’s not about you, don’t take “No” too personally.

9. Make them say “That’s right”

Chris Voss says in his book that “in hostage negotiations, we never tried to get to “yes” as an endpoint. We knew that “yes” is nothing without “how”. And when we applied hostage negotiating tactics to business, we saw how “that’s right” often leads to the best outcomes”.

“That’s right” is not the same as “You’re right”, though. “You’re right” is an answer you most probably give to people who are bothering you, and you want to get rid of them. But that doesn’t mean you agree with their point.

So, how can you make them say “That’s right” instead?

This is the 5-step plan that Chris Voss suggests (some of them have already been mentioned before):

1. Effective pauses

Silence is your friend during negotiations. Using it, you emphasize what you have said and encourage your counterpart to keep talking.

2. Minimal encouragers

You can use words like “Okay”, “Yes”, and “I see” when the other person talks to show them that you pay attention to them.

3. Mirroring

Don’t argue. Listen carefully and repeat what they say.

4. Paraphrase

That goes hand-in-hand with mirroring. Don’t always repeat every single word they say. Instead, use your own words to prove that you understand their points.

5. Summarize

When it’s your turn to speak, summarize the meaning of what your counterpart has said and try to acknowledge their emotions too.

10. Kill the 50-50 mindset

The 50-50, or win-win, mindset usually leads to disaster, as Voss underlines in his book. At best, it’s bad for both sides. At worst, it can lead to a massive loss if your counterpart has a win-lose approach.

Of course, you should always strive for cooperation and rapport without being naïve. Compromise is not what you should be aiming for. As Voss’ book title states, never split the difference. And he is firm in that belief. As he says, “Compromise is often a bad deal, and no deal is better than a bad deal.”

We use compromise not because it’s the best solution but because it’s the safest and easiest one. This is explained through social science. People usually prefer certainty over probability, even if the probability is clearly better (Certainty Effect theory). Also, as mentioned earlier, people take bigger risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains (Lose Aversion theory).

So, it is no surprise that, during negotiations, people want to avoid pain and fear they won’t get a compromise. That’s not a goal-driven negotiation, though. It’s the wrong mentality.

11. Take advantage of deadlines

Deadlines make us nervous, and we usually tend to rush and be impulsive when they approach. But the truth is that they are often random and flexible, and they rarely lead to as negative results as we think they will if we don’t meet them.

Chris Voss argues that good negotiators take advantage of deadlines’ psychological impact on us and use it in their favor, not against them. They don’t become reactive because of a deadline since they know that no deal is better than a bad deal.

Now, you might think that since you know how most people use deadlines to get what they want, you should hide yours.

Wrong.

As the author points out, hiding your deadlines puts you in the worst possible position. That’s because you are prone to making more concessions as your deadline approaches, but your counterparts will keep bargaining since they are unaware of it. It’s like negotiating with yourself.

12. The “fair” treatment

The most powerful word in negotiations is “Fair”, as Voss says.

We want to feel respected. That’s why we often agree to terms if we feel we’ve been treated fairly, or get angry if we haven’t.

That’s why “fairness” is often used as a manipulation tool during negotiations.

Your counterparts may use it like this:

• “We just want what’s fair”: In this case, instead of feeling defensive and ready to make concessions, Chris Voss advises you to take a deep breath and say, “Okay, I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly, and we’ll fix it”.
• “We’ve given you a fair offer”: That’s a more direct accusation. Here, the author suggests that you should reply by asking them back: “Fair?”, combined with a long pause. And then you add a label like “It seems like you’re ready to provide the evidence that supports that, ” forcing them to justify their claims.

But you can also use “fairness” positively and constructively. This is how Voss uses it at the early stages of the negotiation:

“I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I’m being unfair, and we’ll address it.”

You want to build for yourself the reputation of being fair. That’s what gives you leverage over future negotiations, too.

13. Change their reality

People approach negotiations with a set mentality in place. And when this mentality is shaken, the fear of loss comes to the surface. But as mentioned before, our natural tendency towards loss aversion makes us do things we hadn’t planned beforehand.

So, in any negotiation, you can get real leverage by persuading your counterparts that they have something to lose if there is no deal. Voss offers the following plan to achieve that:

1. Anchor their emotions

Apply empathy, and do an accusation audit, always considering all their fears. After you trigger their loss aversion sentiments, put the offer in front of them.

2. Let them go first most of the times

That’s a double-edged sword, but it’s usually better to let the other person suggest a price first. If you are lucky, they might offer a better price than you had in mind; if you are not and they make an extreme anchor in the opposite direction, you need to be patient and fight back step by step.

3. Come up with a range

If anytime you need to go first, do that by establishing a range (e.g., instead of saying $1,700, say $1,800-$2,100). It’s scientifically proven that applicants, in particular, who set up a range during negotiations receive much higher salaries than those who just mention a number. Before you put it, though, keep in mind that your negotiator will probably go at the lowest end of the range.

4. Use non-monetary offers

It’s always a good idea to include in the negotiations offers that have no monetary value but are important to you or them, depending on who asks and who gives.

5. Use odd numbers

When you are asked to put a price and you give a round number (e.g., $1,500), your offer seems more like a guess, and it’s easy to be negotiated further. However, when you give an odd, less rounded number (e.g., $1,545), it seems that you have put effort into coming up with it -even if you haven’t.

6. Surprise them with a gift

People feel the need to reciprocate when they are offered things. You can take advantage of that by coming up with an extreme anchor and then, after they reject it, offering a surprise gift. That’s usually more effective in the late stages of negotiation.

14. Use calibrated questions

Calibrated questions, as the author says, avoid starting with words like “can”, “is”, “are”, “do”, “does”, or in general words that form an open-ended question that can be replied t with a simple “yes” or “no”. Instead, they start with words like “what” and “how” and less often with “why”. Those words force your counterparts to think and reveal their thoughts.

For example, instead of saying, “Does this look like something you would like?” say, “How does this look to you?”.

Voss suggests you use calibrated questions early and often, and he provides a list of a few that he uses in most negotiations:

• “How can I help to make this better for us?”
• “How would you like me to proceed?”
• “What is it that brought us to this situation?”
• “How can we solve this problem?”
• “How am I supposed to do that?”

Using calibrated questions, you trigger goodwill and give your counterparts the illusion of control. You don’t confront them, but you force them to look at the situation and find a solution. You frame the conversation without them even realizing it.

15. Identify their negotiating style

According to Chris Voss, there are three types of negotiation styles out there, and identifying which one your counterparts are, is an essential step to knowing how to approach them. Those styles are:

1. The analyst

Analysts are methodical and not in a hurry. They take as much time as needed to get everything right and minimize mistakes. Usually, they prefer working independently, always with a specific goal in mind. They are not the best at revealing their emotions and often speak in a way that seems cold, making it difficult for their counterparts to open them up. Analysts dislike surprises and prefer researching something by themselves instead of just asking (even if that’s impractical and a complete waste of time). They are sensitive to reciprocity, so they will get distant if they give you something and don’t get anything back within a certain period. They are skeptical, and silence is for them an opportunity to think. So asking them too many questions is not a good idea.

2. The accommodator

Accommodators are happy as long as there is a continuous exchange of information and communication. They like to get along with their counterparts and prefer win-win situations. They usually want to remain friends, even if they don’t reach an agreement. Accommodators are friendly, sociable, optimistic, and poor time managers most of the time. They often promise things they can’t deliver, so try to be friendly and ask calibrated questions focused on implementation. While it’s easy to disagree with them, uncovering their concerns can be a struggle since they avoid mentioning them, fearing the conflict that might cause.

3. The assertive

For assertive types, time is money. Everything is measured based on how much they can accomplish in a certain period of time. Done is better than perfect for them. They love winning, sometimes at the expense of others. They are direct and sometimes aggressive communicators and don’t care about building long-lasting relationships with their counterparts. Respect is enough for them. Assertive negotiators want to be heard, and they talk rather than ask. When you deal with them, focus on what they have to say and make sure you understand their point of view before you speak. Assertive types don’t know what genuine reciprocity means; they take and rarely give.

Identifying with which type you are dealing each time is essential to any negotiation. The one-size-fits-all mentality is wrong. “Don’t treat others the way you want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be treated”, as Voss points out.

16. Set boundaries but don’t make enemies

“If you feel you can’t say “No”, then you’ve taken yourself hostage“, Chris Voss says in his book. Boundaries are an essential part of every negotiation. Once you decide your bottom line, you should be willing to walk away if it’s crossed.

However, even if the negotiation doesn’t go your way, you should be able to keep a clear mind and never lash out with personal attacks. Your counterpart is not your enemy or the problem you want to solve. Unresolved issues during the negotiation are. So keep your focus on them.

Many times, negotiations reach a point where there is no progress. As the author says, this is a moment to de-escalate the negotiation and then get back into the game using a constructive approach.

17. Use the Ackerman model

Chris Voss mentions in his book a practical negotiating system called the “Ackerman model”, which, by using some of the techniques already mentioned (extreme anchors, loss aversion, non-round numbers, non-monetary terms), can help you navigate many negotiations.

The Ackerman model works like this (in this example from the side of the one who gives):

1. Set your target price.

2. Set your first offer at 65% of your target price.

3. Calculate three raises (85%, 95% and 100%).

4. Use empathy and different ways of saying “No” to force your counterpart to counter before you increase your offer.

5. When you say the final amount, use a non-rounded number (e.g., $2,035 instead of $2,000).

6. On your final offer, add a non-monetary offer (that they ideally don’t want) to prove that you are at your limit.

18. Find leverage

In any negotiation, there are pieces of information that are unknown to the participants. And when we say “unknown”, we mean totally unknown. Not like the possibility that your counterparts will get sick and someone will replace them. This is a “known unknown”, as Chris Voss calls it.

On the other hand, the “unknown unknowns” or “Black Swans”, as he names them, are information that could be game changers if uncovered, and nobody has thought about them in the first place.

You should always assume that there are at least three “Black Swans” available for each side in every negotiation in which you participate. And whoever finds them has leverage.

Usually, whoever feels they have the least to lose in case the negotiation collapses, has the most leverage. Leverage is an emotional concept, as Voss points out. What matters is the leverage they think you have over them.

There are three types of leverage:

1. Positive leverage

This is the ability of a negotiator to give or withhold things that the other side wants. It’s up to you how you use it. Voss mentions that experienced negotiators delay making offers because they don’t want to give up their leverage too early.

2. Negative leverage

That’s what most people think of as “leverage” because they believe it’s the same as making your counterpart suffer. Usually, negative leverage is based on direct or indirect threats. But you should think twice before using them. People don’t like to be threatened, and their reactions could be unpredictable. Protect your reputation.

3. Normative leverage

This is when you use your counterpart’s norms and standards to come out on top. Since people don’t like to be considered hypocrites, you can gain leverage if you show that their beliefs do not align with their actions.

19. Kill the belief that they are crazy

People don’t like facing an unknown situation. It’s scary and uncomfortable. That’s why we label it as “crazy”.

For example, you enter a negotiation, and at some point, your counterparts make a totally irrational statement.

What’s your reaction?

“They are crazy”.

Most likely, they are not. And, as Chris Voss underlines, usually, one of the following things happens:

• They are ill-informed: People often have wrong information, and when that happens, they make bad choices. Garbage in, garbage out. If you spot this problem, try to provide the missing information to them.
• They are constrained: Sometimes, during negotiations, people have certain things that they can’t do and don’t want to reveal either.
• They have other interests: Hidden interests are common during negotiations, and your counterparts may reject your offer for reasons not related to their merits.

Whatever the reason is, you need to kill the belief that they are crazy and find their underlining motives, if possible.

Conclusion: Avoiding conflict is not the solution

Negotiations are a crucial part of our daily lives, even if we don’t realize it.

We face conflicts of interest at work, at home, and literally in any social situation.

So, avoiding conflict because we fear it and because it makes us uncomfortable is not the solution. And it sabotages our interests and our relationships.

In this blog post, I tried to summarize the most essential advice that Chris Voss offers in his book “Never Split the Difference”, one of the best books out there on negotiations and conflict resolution.

Undoubtedly, I don’t mention all his advice; that would be impossible. And at the end of the day, it would be better to read the actual book since it also offers real-life examples that have immense value.

But I hope I have included the most important points, so you can use this piece as your go-to guide in future negotiations.